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水仙轩

We are the champions,my friends!

 
 
 

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关于我

A girl with inner hope and overwhelming passion for life. Love for literature as an engineer.

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Within your world  

2012-03-05 10:20:39|  分类: 默认分类 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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I may say that a conversation taken place this week ascertained me more than ever that I will live the way I want, not as anyone expected.
One night this week, I happened to chat with one of my roommates when cooking. After having dinner together with a friend, I was not in a mood of study, so I did spend some time on him. I know that he is a good guy in nature, and my problem with him is just that I do not appreciate the way he looks at things and his way of expressing himself. It is OK for me to treat one normally even if I do not like him, as long as I know that person is naturally good, which is what I am doing with this guy everyday.
But this conversation changed something inward or I can say it hurt me to know about this. His way of thinking is that everyone does something for a reason, and this reason most of the time is for his or her own interest. Only those who are willing to sacrifice their own interest for you are your real friends. This is not nonsense. Actually, it is so true to some extent. However, this is just what i can not accept. One can choose the rational way, but counting everything as an interest is really annoying.Anyway, I just do away with this while he keeps his own way of thinking. That night, the chat somehow leads to him telling me what I should change to be a better person. I am never a person who is mad at anyone trying to correct me and I know that we are grateful for any friend who is willing to make a difference in us. He said that I was the kind of girl who has little evil counting in mind. God, that is what I hate most in a person. It didn't occur to me that one who I assumed to be a friend somehow will see me that way. I asked the reason for his opinion. He talked about my not joining their New York trip because of hiding the fact of going out with my boyfriend. Also, he said that my girl roommate argued that I was just not excited about the big city. One one aspect, I think my girl roommate knows me a lot than them, and I shared everything with her. I told her that I won't go because I need to be in lab. I am somehow disappointed that she didn't see it as the real reason. Anyway, it is trivial and I understand it she thought that way. She is a good girl,only having no time to comprehend everything I told her and I understand that. However, what astonished me was how the boy thought I was skipping NY because of planing to go with my boyfriend! At that moment, it suddenly disclose to me that he knows nothing about the days and nights I spent in December along striving for funding from my advisor. I was not leaving for NY just because I want to stay in lab, not to waste my previous efforts, reminding others and myself that I was really fighting for funding. I suddenly understand that he had no idea of what I was doing and thinking even if I told him, he just didn't believe. God, this is horrible. It was like someone opened part of his world to me and I saw some ugly figures that I never thought he would possess while I stayed in my world. I spent some time thinking about what he said and trying to find a way if I can stop him from looking at me this way, just because I care about his opinion by viewing him as a friend. I tried to value everyone in my life even if I disagree. But it turned out that there is no way I will want to change myself to eliminate the possible misunderstanding he may have towards me. I even questioned myself whether it is misunderstanding or I myself being evil? The answer is no. This is not misunderstanding. He just dosen't like me as a friend. That's why I just do not want to change a little bit because of what he suggests. I am not intended to be stubborn , I just ignore those who thinks others in a bad way. God , that boy is ugly!
Boy, I may hate it when you made so much noise stepping on the floor, when you only cleaned the room by doing the least work, when you said that I was born pour because I seldom get sick.Sometimes I tried not to talk to you just because I want to keep away from being upsetting by you. I am easily affected by people I really care.But I see every good thing you do and I convinced myself that you are a good one even I am never used to your living habbits. And I really tried to make our time together pleasant. But after this conversation, I just excluded you from my friend concept. A friend is never someone who see you in such way that it is really hurt to think about it.
To be honest, I used to be afraid of him. I was afraid that what if everything he said about me was true? What if I was a girl who can never find a good boy ? What if I was a girl who rely too much on man? What if I was a girl who has evil ideas inward? After this time, I stopped thinking about these and being afraid of him by excluding all these. I do not need to doubt myself about all these. I have the best lover in the world, I lived independently since high school and I am no way evil.
Within my world, I suddenly lost something and find something else.
My friend, no offense, I just want to record this story comforting myself of something lost. I know I may have recorded this in a mass, but do you know that it is really hurt when I know I have lost it. Hard to remain organized at time like that.
I will lead life the way I want, do hard things and make life simple and light.
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