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水仙轩

We are the champions,my friends!

 
 
 

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A girl with inner hope and overwhelming passion for life. Love for literature as an engineer.

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Risk and Failure  

2012-08-08 10:01:53|  分类: 默认分类 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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I drove myself to West Virginia last Friday. I thought I could prove that no one can stand in my way if I want to do something. However, bmp and Disheng had to take me back because everybody was concerned that I might be caught by a police driving without a license. The fact is, as long as there is concern, everybody ended up standing in my way.I understand them, but I feel so bad still about having no freedom to drive myself.

I took a risk by doing so and I was feeling so happy doing it. I pictured how bmp will react the moment he saw me unexpectedly. He was happy, as I expected.But it ended up as my last chance. I remember Dr. Gou told me I had to feel the pressure of causing inconvenience for others who need to take care of me. I understand, I understand everything he mentioned. That's why this time ended up as my last time ever drive myself to visit my boyfriend. I just hope someone will understand me, just feeling so desperate and unhappy being left alone. I spent too much time living alone and really fear that.  Since arriving in USA, lonely is my logo. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking with people at all because I am just missing something. I don't know exactly which part is missing. I remember the burden of trying to find someone to drive together to Akron. You never know it unless you try. God, you got me. That's the thing to stop me from taking risks-asking favor from others. I won't take risk any more as long as it requires others taking care of me.

I feel somewhat dreadful every morning before going to work. I expected to spend every weekend with bmp. That's the thing to make me happy. Until recently, I realised from him that he is too occupied to make all this happen. I can say nothing because goddame it I understand it again. I totally understand what is happening. I understand I can't go my way and ask too much. I understand, just don't want to accept.

But it is fact that you can never run away with.

This morning, we gave a breif presentation to our new department director. I regarded it as a quick review and later realised that I missed a chance to make the impact. I felt so sorry about that. So sorry about losing an opportunity. Also, I mislabelled another engineer with the new director which is really embarassing. I had to remember this lesson. You cannot imagine the feeling when others are talking elaborously about their projects while I listed all the goddamn tasks. I lose by taking it too easy. Why take easy things hard and take serious things so easy? Do you want to screw up your future?  I can still hear every other intern students talking about their projects,answering all questions while I sit still listen to all of these. God dame it, that is not the right time to sit still but I ended up doing so. Later, I lost the appetite for lunch and my technical metor talked with me about it since I bet he also felt the unfavorable situation. That is the moment when others might feel sorry for you. But others can only feel sorry for you but that won't change a thing as it is your own business.That's why you must take every opportunity as the final one.

At that moment, I realised again that this world is cold most of the time. You have to take care of your own business. And for that remote and limited happiness far away, you have to work god dame hard, to earn it yourself.

I decided to earn my next opportunity back. I can't change a thing about past, but I will accomplish my goal in the future.

No matter what others think, or what they care, I will realise that. Since this world is god damn cold, I don't need to care so much after all. Just try really hard for things worth it.

It is failure that woke me up. Time to get going or you'll be dead.

Time to get quiet and work on things.

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